Short Story Feedback – Brady’s Site

First short stories:

Jordyn:

This is a story about a boy and a girl who have a complicated love-hate relationship between them. The setting of the story is at a frat party, where the two people in question, Josie and Tucker, lock eyes with each other and it leads to a confrontation between the two. Or at least that’s what it seems like at first. The heated conversation that takes up the bulk of the story is actually all in Josie’s head as she thinks about their relationship and everything that has happened between them, as she gets lost in her own head thinking about what would happen if they were to actually talk at this party. The story ends with her getting knocked out of her daydream by some random party goer, as she decides to just spend the rest of the night with her friends and not spare even a second thought to tucker. I really liked this story. I really liked how Josie was characterized throughout it, and I really liked how much I hated Tucker because of how back and forth he was throughout the story because it felt so realistic to how these types of relationships are in real life. A suggestion I would make for this story is to maybe flesh out the flashback scenes a little more, Like I want to see exactly what happened at the party when they kissed for the first time. I also was left very curious about Tucker’s girlfriend as a person and character. Did she know about Tucker and Josie’s complex relationship before her and Tucker got together? How long has she known Tucker? Does she even know who Josie is? I would also kill for a Tucker perspective of this story, although I do think it would be better without one because in situations like this you never get to find out what is going through the other person’s head. On the whole I loved this story and would 100% read a full length novel about these characters.

Skyler:

This is the story of a person who was sent out into space on a mission to find out what was going on with the sun as something had happened to it and it was affecting earth in all sorts of bad ways. Our main character Alex was the only one to survive the mission at the point where the story begins. This is a story about loss and Isolation and the Toll that it can take on a person. For Alex the Toll is the creation of Percy who by the end of the story reveals himself to be a figment of Alex’s imagination. I really enjoyed this story for a lot of reasons one being that the story really captures a very unique feeling that a lot of good writing set in space captures, and that is the claustrophobia of being confined to a singular area like a spaceship, and also the overwhelming Fear of the fastness of space and the void that surrounds the characters. I also really like the dynamic between Alex and Percy; they were really well written and bounced off each other naturally. One suggestion I would make is to flesh out Percy more in the sense of was he anyone important to Alex before the mission? Or was he a person that Alex just made up. I think knowing more about Percy’s origins would really improve the story and make it all the more tragic in the end.

Kenzi:

This story is about a girl who falls down a hole while she’s spelunking, and she meets a guy and his dog in a deeper part of the cave. The boy deeper in the cave, who’s name is Sunny stumbles upon the POV character Q when she falls down into a spring of water he was going to take a bath in after spending a few hours building a shelter deeper in the tunnel system. After talking for a bit Q has a panic attack about what her mother must be thinking since Q has been gone for so long. I liked this story especially the opening paragraph, and your descriptions overall throughout the story were really good, and I felt like I had a vivid understanding of the environments all throughout the story. Although I did get a much creepier and potentially darker vibe from parts of the story then what you were probably going for as discussed in class. A major suggestion for me would be to revisit some scenes in the story and re-work some of your descriptions of Sunny and his Shelter because those were the area’s I felt like the story might make a turn into the darker territory. Also I would recommend rearranging how your story is formatted mainly by separating your Dialogue from the rest of the story, the way it is now makes the story a little muddled and harder to read I found myself having to re-read a few parts to make sure I knew what was being said out loud and what was being thought by Q. But overall I did really enjoy reading this story. It was a really cute tale about finding a friend when you need them the most

Lizzie B:

This is a story about a post-apocalyptic world where the water level raised immensely, killing off life on land, and humans adapted into basically mermaids to survive. I really like how you described how the people looked throughout the story instead of in one big chunk, very use of showing and telling. I was however confused at parts of the stories as you described the main character as having a tail instead of legs, but in some parts of the story you described people walking, and so I was a little confused there. On the whole though this is a very well done story with a main character whose motivations I can understand. Your writing also explains some of the adaptations made by this species very well and leaves others a little vague, such as the claws and how adaptive their dark vision is. I found myself wondering about how they saw the world so far under the ocean. A recommendation I would make would be to maybe change the discovery of the human artifacts to rising sea levels, it doesn’t make much sense to me why these Mer-people wouldn’t have found these remnants if they were underwater already and only would have found them after the water level fell. Or maybe instead of doing that you could do something with the chemistry of the water having that area have a high salinity to the point where it would have been toxic for the people to live there but changes in the currents dispersed it leaving it open to exploration.

Sophie Pidgeon:

This is a story about a girl who wants to have one last fun summer adventure before her first year of college with her friends who are practically her brothers. But this is also a story about freedom and control and the value control has to our main character Nina, and Nina’s decision about willingly giving up control to gravity and bridge jumping. I really liked this story. Nina feels like a real person and even though I personally love cliff jumping her hesitation and fear is completely understandable and I’m sure it’s relatable to people who aren’t adrenaline junkies like myself. A part of Nina I did find very relatable was her Anxiety about the couple she thinks is talking about her. I also enjoyed the supporting characters in this story although I did wish to see more of them. If you were to expand this story I would highly recommend fleshing out those characters more because I feel like your story could get a lot out of them being more present. For instance if you continued the story you could have them all be happy and excited for her and that one dude who was a bit more of a heckler be shocked that she even jumped, I also think it could be interesting to continue the story and have Nina deal with how she feels about relinquishing control, at the end of the story she feels a sort of immediate regret saying “she never should have given up control” having her deal with her emotions after the jump could a be a really interesting exploration for the character.

Jena Sabia:

This is a dual perspective story about two best friends who go through something difficult when one of them gets into a car crash near thanksgiving and the other one wakes up that morning with an extreme sense of dread as she isn’t able to get into contact with him. The car crash wasn’t that bad and so he is only in slight pain. The one who wasn’t in the car crash then goes to the other’s house for thanksgiving and that’s where the story ends. I really liked the split view of this story and how the characters aren’t named. I really feel like it helped with immersing the reader into the character’s perspectives and putting themselves into the shoes of the characters. I don’t really have any recommendations for your story except to just continue it. You ended it in such a way that I was left very curious and wanting to see how the story would continue.

Kit Orologio:

This is the story about a girl trying to care for her ant farm, and after some of her ants escape trying to find a way to salvage the situation without killing them before her mom gets home. This was a really well done story and I really enjoyed it. Seeing Argyle go through several different possible solutions all while the thought of having to kill them becomes more and more inevitable, and her absolute dread at the idea and the feeling of defeat she feels when she has to kill the ones that escaped. I also think that the twist that Argyle is trans, and that reveal is done very well projecting how she used to feel when she was younger about her father not accepting her and how helpless the ants are, I thought that was linked very well. As well as her love for ants and insects I feel like it made a lot of sense. A recommendation I would make for this story would be to develop the Mom as a character and explore the intricacies that the relationship between Argyle and her mother could possibly have. On the whole this was a really good story and I enjoyed it a lot.

Izzy Castrucci:

This is the story about a struggling student artist who finds inspiration in a woman who looks to be agitated over something, he loses sight of her quickly however and is left feeling quite defeated later in the day a small child crashes his mopping by knocking down his easel and playing with his paints like they are dolls. In a panic he tries to get information about where the child’s parents might be but he doesn’t get very far because he does not want to upset her. After caring for this child for a bit all his other anxieties melt away and after a bit the woman he had found inspiration in shows up and is actually the mother of the child. After this encounter the main character is left feeling better than they were at the beginning and actually begins to look forward to making art again something that they hadn’t felt in a long time. I really liked this story, especially your descriptions. They were very powerful and I feel like they really painted a vivid image in my mind. Also your characterization of people, which goes hand to hand with your descriptions, was very well done. I feel like everyone one in this story is a real person with their own quirks and personality. I would like to see more of the hotdog stand worker who I believe was named Sal? I know he had a name and I feel like in a short story if you are going to have a character like actually present in the story and isn’t just someone who is mentioned offhand I would want them to have more depth or a bigger reason to be there. My suggestion for this would be to maybe have the main character take the girl over to the hotdog stand and ask Sal if he saw this girl’s parents and have him factor into the mother finding her child. But on the whole this was a very well done story and I enjoyed it a lot.

Cole Hauser:

This is a story about a family and a creepy town that seems to be keeping them there through some weird stuff happening in the woods. This story has a lot to work with, and really reminds me of elements of classic horror, specifically it evoked a lot of The Color out of Space to me and I really enjoyed it. A suggestion I would make would be to stretch out the beginning of the story because the start does feel a little rushed with so much happening in such a short span of time. My one big recommendation for this story would be to stretch out the opening or incorporate those days later in flashbacks, but overall the goal would be to flesh out the mother running away. And the deaths of both the father and the brother, which in the story as it is now feel like they happen on the same day with how quickly everything goes down. I think going into more detail about the days where his family all leaves or dies would really help set up the rest of the story before everything goes full horror as you could slow-burn the first bit with just some odd things happening here and throw with the deaths of everyone close to our main character. Before the story goes full on horror with the woods. Over all though this is a good story that has a lot to work with that I think could be even better given some workshopping.

Bridget McIntyre:

This is a story about the sun and the moon who love each other but can never be together because of their responsibilities to keeping the world going. I really enjoyed this story. Your descriptions of Sun and Moon are so vivid that I feel like I had a very clear idea of what they looked like and what they were doing at all times. I had an Idea that I thought could be interesting if you tried to incorporate the other fundamental forces of the world into the story. I was so curious throughout the entire story if the storm was going to turn out to have been a ploy by the Wind itself because what Moon and Sun were doing was highly not allowed, or if at any point in the story the earth itself was going to craft a mortal soul and yell at Moon or something like that. I think that incorporating other fundamental forces into the story could be really interesting. Another minor suggestion would be for Hamitch to possible do more in the story, right now as it is he kind of just feels like he’s there and doesn’t really do much, so if you were going to revisit this story I would recommend giving him more to do. But on the whole this was a very fun story that I really enjoyed.

Cammy Justic:

This was a story about a couple’s failing marriage and an attempted camping trip to try and fix it, which goes very badly. The wife is not very excited about this trip from the start but after some nagging from the husband she agrees, but the campsite is creepy because there isn’t anybody else around and the woods seem to be watching her. This all comes to a head when they go fishing and they fish up a dead rotting hand in the lake, the wife freaks out and runs back to the car, but is surrounded by a pack of wolves. The husband hears an infant crying and rushing out to try and save what he thinks is a drowning child in the lake, but then the crying stops and he hears his wife screaming. This story kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time I was reading it, And I really wanted to know where this story was going. This was a fascinating story and it had me hooked right away. A suggestion that I have for this story would be to lean into the supernatural elements that seem to be present in the story just a little more if you were to continue the story. I also want to know more about the campsite, like does the therapist that recommended this for them know how messed up it is? Are they aware of it? Or is it just a stance? Either way I would like some more information there if the story were to be continued.

Alexa Livingston:

This story was so good and so sad. This is a story about loss and grief, and the pain that comes from the knowledge that your time is finite and death could be around the corner. The story follows a man who owns a bar who has a sick wife the man see’s so many different couples at the bar and reflects about how unfair it is that his wife is in the situation she is in. he gets home and at his wife’s request describes all the different people, and takes her out to the bar even though she is very ill, they dance in the parking lot before having to return home and resting for the night, the man wakes up and his wife has unfortunately passed away. I loved this story, and my one and only real suggestion for it would be that if you were to continue it to expand on the grief he feels at the end of the story, and describe how difficult it will be for him to get into a flow of “normal” things now that his wife is gone, I feel like that could add an extra layer of sadness and grief to the story that I really feel like could help lift it up even more.

Scott Clemons-Baker:

This is a story about the after effects of grief at the loss of a loved one and how difficult it can be to get back into routine. This story follows a barista mourning the loss of his girlfriend after she died of some type of illness. He has developed the habit of people watching now looking for the details that he feels like he missed in his girlfriend. This was a really good story, and your descriptions were extremely vivid and I mean it only makes sense with the whole people watching aspect of the story, my recommendation for this story would be to maybe hint at the girlfriend being gone sooner because the beginning of the story does feel very like creepiest like serial killer I know that was discussed a bit in class as well, and I would just recommend trying to find a way to change that sort of vibe at the beginning of the story. On the whole this story really picked up at the end and I did really enjoy it.

Mia Morgan:

This was a really well done story about a man working in a busy high end kitchen, who has a promotion on the line and a crush on one of the other chefs. I really like this story a lot. I could really feel the pressure that Trevor was under throughout the story with a possible promotion up for grabs. And his crush distracting him when there are things to be doing felt very real and a little too relatable at times. I really like how much I disliked Jack by the end of the story. He had a partner and still talked to Trevor about Trevor’s feelings for him, and actively encouraged them. Like Jack is arguably a bad person and very much an attention seeker. I also really liked how shitty the ending was for Trevor, and I know that sounds horrible but it made the story really interesting to read. Some suggestions I have for your story would be to make the impact of him not getting the promotion more meaningful for me; it just kind of fell flat at the end. My other recommendation would be to introduce the fact that he hasn’t smoked in two years earlier in the story, it felt really sudden and a little out of place to me. My recommendation for this would be to insert something when he’s feeling the pressure of having to do well to get the promotion, how he used to smoke before work to calm his nerves down but he hasn’t done that in awhile. I just think something like that earlier on could really help the story because it does feel just kind of dropped in, in the middle of the story. But overall I absolutely loved this story, and you did a really good job with it.

Second Short Story drafts:

Jordyn 2:

This is a story about a girl with a very overbearing mother who gets trapped in a snowstorm when her car stalls a nice man named Jasper offers to help her by letting her stay in his house until the storm passes Maise accepts but is obviously nervous about going into a stranger’s house alone let alone a man’s house she plugs her phone to hopefully get it to start charging before the house loses power they talk and then after realizing how much trouble she going to be in Maise gets anxious and asks to she if her phone is charged it’s not but Jasper gives her his phone and she calls her house phone and gets yelled at by her mother and she starts crying and is conferred by jasper. I really liked this story, again, you have written something that I would want to read an entire novella or short novel on. I really liked your characters and I want to see a moment where Masie tells off her mom. You are really good at writing sad type stories where the characters are going through something awful and then being able to give it an open hopeful happy ending. A possible good name for this story could be “The Eye of the Storm” or something along those lines as their is a literal storm happening outside and metaphorically there is one happening in Maise’s life and meeting Jasper is like the break in that storm metaphorically as you already have the actual storm starting to calm down outside. The one major suggestion I have for this story would be to not make Maise and Jasper total strangers and have them know each other in passing or just enough to where realistically Maise would be comfortable enough to go into this man’s house, but also you can still get all the funny murder jokes in. (as discussed in class) maybe you could have him go to the same church as her or maybe they have a class together, this way you can have a similar enough context to where the “staying at a basically strangers house

Kenzi 2:

This is the story about two roommates who over the course of a semester became best friends (and possibly more given the title but that could have been just been a tongue and cheek title) who go out stargazing on one of their last days of school and one of the girls has to tell the other that they aren’t coming back in the spring semester. I really enjoyed this story although it did make me really sad, I really enjoyed the dynamic between the two characters and I also liked both of them and wanted both of them to be happy and so I was really sad with the ending I really want to know if like the quiet one plans a trip out to she her or something like that, and because of the title I would really like to see them get together, one minor suggestion I have would be to separate the dialogue from the other text would help make the story more easy to read and digestible. And then the biggest suggestion I have and some of this was discussed in class given the title of the of story I think having the narrator character of the story at least hint or even directly saying in the story even if in thought bubbles, having the main character admit some sort of deeper feelings for their roommates, I feel like this would really up the emotion stakes and drama of the story and make a very sad story all the more tragic in the end.

Lizzie B. 2:

This is a story about two ex-cons who are strapped for cash deciding to do one last job to help them get back on their feet by stealing from a museum. The job ends up going quite sideways and the two are almost separated and arrested, but the two manage to escape. I really like this story and many aspects had me very intrigued. Specifically the concept behind the mysterious organization, throughout the entire story I really wanted to know about what the organization was and what happened to the main characters during their time in association with this shadowy organization. But that is also something that I feel like takes away from the story because of the limitation of the short story format, I feel like there is so much you could do here and that just can’t fit into the small box of a short story. But other than that I also loved your characters and their dynamic, I found it incredibly interesting, and I want to see more out of these characters, and this story.

Sophie Pidgeon 2:

This is the story of a girl dealing with her grief and guilt after the death of her best friend, a death that she blames herself for. This story was really good and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved the flashback sequence and us learning what exactly happened, and why she doesn’t want to see these people that will be attending her birthday party. I really liked your main character and I feel like we got a really good look into her personality and who she is as a person, and even better understanding of her emotions and her state of mind regarding her best friend and her pet rabbit. My only real suggestion would be the thing I discussed in class that by the way you described them at first I believed Lyle and Joy were the siblings to Heather, this totally could have just been a me thing and my brain being weird and not processing things well when I read the story, but I did think that they were all siblings and not that Lyle and Joy were Heathers parents, It’s not a huge issue, but if you were to ever revise this story I would recommend looking over specifically the part where Heather and Adelaide are discussing business trips and fathers because that is where I remember finding the most confusion on what the relationship was between all of the characters. But that was really my only “issue” if you could even call it that with the story everything else I loved. Everything from the rabbit to Heather to Adelaide’s relationship with her mother was very well done and I enjoyed reading this story a lot!

Jena Sabia 2:

This is a story about a girl who hates college being given a reason to stay by meeting her soon to be best friend one day when he runs into her one day and spills his coffee all over her journal, which she loved and used to vent. After this they have a conversation where the girl reveals that she is going to transfer and the boy isn’t having any of it, and begrudgingly gives him until the deadline for transfer forms to change her mind, and he ends up changing her mind in 2 and a half days. This story was really sweet i really liked the relationship between the two main characters i think it was really nice balance between like sarcasm that can be found in a lot of close relationships and genuine sincerity and caring for the characters, I really like that it only took in less than 3 days to change her mind because I was ready for this story to take place over months and I was worried about the real estate issues that would have created with a short story, so I really liked that development. One suggestion I would have is that during the scene where the characters meet each other don’t have them read each other perfectly it came off as mind ready and slightly jarring, similarly to jordan’s story earlier. Also the girlfriend character feels a little flat. If you were to revisit this story I would definitely say to give her more presence and importance in the story, but overall this was a really sweet story about finding friendship and I enjoyed it a lot!

Izzy Castrucci 2:

This was a really sad and somber story about a woman returning to the house she once called home with her husband until the day that the husband killed himself. After this event she was unable to return to her house for years because of all the memories and emotions it stirred up for her. This story is about her journey in finding out exactly what happened to her husband and why, and also finding the beginnings of closure with his death. She struggles to re-enter her house at first but is able to force herself through the door, being flooded with memories of her past. In this state of nostalgia she remembers about how her husband used to leave notes for her under the bed pillows. And upon laying in her bed she finds one last note from him that she never found that explains his final thoughts about his decisions. This was a sad story and it was done very well. It was very well put together and very realistic in many ways, like how sometimes you just don’t notice when people are struggling. I really liked your flashback storytelling. I thought it was really well done, and I like seeing and knowing so much about these characters. One thing I think could help enhance this story would be in some of the recent flash backs, specifically the final night flashbacks i think added him like writing the note and hiding it from her and just added small other things those scenes to where the audience will see his struggle but the wife didn’t could really help add and extra layer of hurt to the story.